Donkey Punch: A Review From An Ass

donkey-punch-poster I finally got around to seeing the ever so infamous “Donkey Punch” and I must say, it was actually pretty good.

I must say, as far as humans fornicating goes, the first little section before the “accident” was damn hot.

Unfortunately as things went on the movie got more and more predictable and, being the ass that I am, I started losing interest – or in general just laughing at parts.

Apparently, I must say, I must say a lot of things.

There were a couple of awesome kills, and a couple of sad annoying ones.  But it’s kind of hard to do anything overly creative with a cast of only 7 people who happen to be on a boat in the middle of nowhere.

Speaking of cast, that somewhat attractive human I mentioned earlier, I officially give her consent to ride my ass any day. Maybe even hang out with my handler.  Yeah, she’s alright.

If anybody else has actually watched this movie, take note: a donkey punch is dangerous and should never ever be done. Right? Besides it’ll ruin your life and this old donkey will kick your ass right back if you ever try that shit on me.

What Not To Do With a Donkey: Part Three

donkey-basketbal-deadDonkey Basketball.  Yes, you heard me.  Donkey basketball is a fine example as to what humans are doing to humiliate not only themselves, but myself and my kind. The whole concept is mind boggling. People riding on the backs of donkeys with hopes of entertaining the masses while being asses.  They mimic the kind of “sport” while abusing the poor asses.

Look at my buddy, half dead.  The poor guy can’t even get up. Exhausted, nearly dead. This is totally unacceptable.

donkey-basketball-dumpedIt’s a good thing for us that our friends over at PETA are speaking out against this atrocity! We need more humans like this! They’re so smart and wonderful and great at protecting the asses of the world!

End the abuse! No more Donkey Basketball! How about a bunch of donkeys ride you bitches while going for a “slam dunk” how do you think that’d feel? Huh?  Yeah.. That’s right.  We’ll get you one by one.

Cuteness is Overrated

koala-saviourOk this picture is everywhere. There’s even some horrible cell-phone-style video of people approaching this cute little animal.

What if this were a donkey?  I don’t think anybody would care.  Everybody’d be like “oh look at that stupid ass, wandering aimlessly through the ruins of hell.”  Yeah, that’s what they’d say.

I’d be like, “Eee-Haw! Gimme some water.” They’d laugh and I’d get nothing.  I wouldn’t have a fan base, and I certainly wouldn’t have gotten the exposure that this little creature got.  It’s annoying not being that cute.  But then again, his fame will end and mine will linger on at the all-time low it is.

What Not To Do With a Donkey: Part One

stuffed donkeyHere’s an idea of what not to do with a donkey.

Don’t use an ass to transport your illegal bombs. Not only is it a waste of a good ass when you happen to find one dumb smart enough to travel to your intended destination without the aid of a human, it’s also a big mess.

But, don’t worry. We’re on to your plans.  We’re aware of what these bomb-like canisters look like and when you pack a mule with your explosives, we’re gonna head right back to your place.

Game on, humans. Game on.

Besides, blowing up donkeys makes baby donkeys sad.